Almost Murdered and Almost Murderer

*WRITTEN SATURDAY!*

Today was an interesting day in the life of Tashya. And by interesting, I definitely mean harrowing and life-threatening to the extreme! Or maybe there were two incidents that made today slightly less average than usual. But the manner of said incidents is what made them stand out. Both involved near death or maiming. Sorta. Or maybe you just had to be there. I'll see if I can recreate the scenes for you.

1. Almost Murdered

Have I ever told you that I love driving? If I did, I'm sorry. That was a lie. A downright dirty stinkin' lie. I'm generally a very honest person. I even announce when I'm about to cheat in a board game so that everyone knows in advance, so I doubt that I'd tell you as blatant a lie as me actually liking driving. I'm not a bad driver, I'm a safe driver. But loads of other people on the road tend to make nervous, especially if I'm the only one in the car.

Well, today I was out doing good in the world, and I was taught that Elphaba's song really is true: No good deed goes unpunished! I made some of my good brownies (and I mean, really good brownies. I really enjoy my brownies!) for a friend's Eagle Scout project thing, and took them over to his place to drop them off. I made it there alright, but on the way home, I really botched the job. I was trying to turn left onto a busy street from a side street, and it was kind of on a turn in the road. I waited a while, and then saw my chance. There was a small gap between loads of cars. I decided to take it!

I crept forward since no one was in the lanes going to the right, and prepared to gun it. The space came and opened before me exactly as planned! I gunned it exactly as planned! Only, I didn't. I missed the gas and hit the brake. Don't ask me how, I don't know. But by the time I got out into the lane and was going, the car was upon me, right on my bumper. And even though I was speeding up rather quickly, they did not slow down! I even went over the speed limit a little to try to get away from them, but that didn't work either! I was so glad to turn off that road into my apartment complex and leave the creepy tailer behind!

2. Almost Murderer

Andrew and I live in a gated apartment complex. We have little clicker remotes that open the three gates around the community. You don't need to click the button in order to get out, but if you don't click it, then you have to nose your car right up to the gate and then wait for it to open. It's faster if you use the clicker as you're approaching. Today my impatience with the gate almost maimed an innocent young woman.

Andrew, Teannka, and I were leaving to run some errands. Huzzah for the library! Hooray for mailing packages! Haloo for getting groceries! We got into the car, and started off towards the gate closest to us, which is around a sharp corner. I pulled my keys out in preparation for the clicking ceremony so I would be ready to speed our exodus from the apartment complex. When we turned the corner, we saw two people climbing over the fence to get out of the community. The guy had jumped down, but the girl was still crossing over the top. That fact registered about .5 seconds after I had clicked the button.

What had started as a button clicking ceremony to bring us out of the gate almost turned into a sacrificial ceremony offering up the girl's foot. Since her weight had been balanced on top of the gate, when it started to move, she fell forward. She didn't face plant because she caught herself on her hands, but her feet were still up in the air. It looked like an extremely showy push up that a guy could use to try to impress the ladies. Her foot got caught between the bars of the moving gate, and became lodged in the sliding gate as it continued to open. Fortunately, the good engineers who had designed the gate somehow incorporated magic into the machine so that it knew something was there, and it automatically closed again, releasing her foot.

Thank goodness that was over without anyone actually losing life and limb.

PS. I wrote this last Saturday. I'm not sure why it didn't go up. I am now busy with other posts, so I'm going to stop bothering with wondering if this post is quality or not, and just put it up. Have a nice day!

Loserly Door Openers Need Not Apply

Being a stay at home wife means several things for me. One, I have a good bit of freedom in my schedule and my life. Two, because I lack both children and employment, I am available for daytime child care. I have done several jobs around the area. I love kids. Growing up second of ten, I am used to children hanging from the rafters, hollering and having a grand old time. I like to play and have fun with them. Babysitting is really something I enjoy. Mothers tend to trust me as well, seeing as I've had so much experience with children and such my whole life. In fact, I did babysitting and childcare things to pay for a lot of college. So my friend Leah thought that she was making a great decision by calling me. But did she?

Leah called me late Wednesday. A last minute meeting had come up in her schedule, and she needed someone to be able to watch her two kids between 1:30 and 3:30. I had no prior commitments, so I was free to accept. The front door was going to be left unlocked, since they would be leaving about five minutes before I was scheduled to arrive. I was to walk in, make myself at home, and prepare for June to get home at 1:45, and then Roy would get home around 2:45. Super easy, right?

Apparently not.

I got to the house alright and on time. I felt pretty good about myself. As I was getting out of the car, I developed a small case of paranoia. What if this wasn't the right house, and I just strolled right in? Talk about an awkward encounter. So I knocked lightly on the door. I waited. I knocked harder. I waited. I rang the bell. I waited. Nothing. I figured that this was the right house after all. I pushed on the handle, and pressed against the door. Nothing.

Having nothing in response to knocking was alright. Having nothing in response to opening the door was not alright. I tried again.

This did not exactly work either. I then realized that my frantic shoving against the door could make me look like a mad creeper forcing entrance into an unwilling house. Not the best appearance to be giving in a suburb with NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH signs everywhere.

Unfortunately for me, this sign describes my exact appearance and situation at that precise moment. This was not good. I immediately ceased and desisted all attempts to barge into the house, whether or not I had the owners' permission to do so. Instead, I decided to sit down and read my book on the front step. It was a GORGEOUS day, not too hot, not humid, and absolutely beautiful. I, as always, had my book with me.

As I was in the process of jutting out my tush to sit down, I was swarmed by a massive herd of bees, all of which were of one mind: DESTROY AND MANGLE THE TASHYA GIRL!

I hadn't done anything! I wasn't even pretending to be a little black rain cloud! I wasn't stealing honey! I just wanted to read! Sheesh. Pooh Bear has left a bad taste in the mouths of bees everywhere. Good thing Winnie the Pooh is so cute, or I'd be so mad at him right now.

So I just sat in the car with the door open. I was hoping that when June got home, she'd know a great way to get into the house without being a total creeper about it. She would be my ticket in! Only that didn't work, because, hey, she's like four and doesn't know how to break into houses.

My friend Shannon was the one that brought June home from school. She walked around the house with me, despite the fact that she had two children of her own in the van, and tried to help me get in. It didn't work out so well. So she invited us back to her house to play, since she lived just around the corner. And since I had no other options at that point, I took her up on that offer.

NOTE: Only the little blonde girl isn't named Alissa. She's named AlYssa. There's a difference. Alissa is a different girl from a different family that I babysit for. AlYssa is Shannon's little girl. She's cute.

We played around with bikes, hula hoops, scooters, and other little doodads until Roy got out of school. Little Alyssa does very well with the hula hoop. She definitely schooled me. She kept her body in tight and neat control. It should be noted that pathetic hip gyrations that rack the entire body do not maintain hoop levitation, but instead places it closer to the knees. Later, I was allowed to stop humiliating myself when we fetched Roy from the school. Then then debated what we should do at that point.

I was then informed by Shannon, who had called another lady, who had called the kids' dad, that the door was not in fact locked. The door was not locked? The door had a tendency to stick. You had to push really hard to open the door. I protested because I had SHOVED against the door! I was about to be ARRESTED from showing so hard against the door!

I packed up the kids and went with Shannon back over to The House With the Lousy Door. We went up to the door. I touched the door, TOUCHED it. And it swung open. Swung open at the same time as my mouth falling wide open. Seriously. That just left me feeling like a real fool. After that, I was only at their house with the kids for about 15 minutes before the job was over, and I was allowed to go home.

Later that night I got a call from Leah. She kept saying how sorry she was that they had forgotten to tell me about the Sticky Door. I just laughed it off and told her it was all good fun. She said that she was glad that I was having such a great sense of humor about it all instead of being mad.

I was glad she wasn't mad about hiring the village idiot to watch her kids. Honestly. Who can't open a door?